In this tumultuous time, when everyone could cut themselves a little slack, there instead seems to be a self-compassion gap in modern society.
“Seventy-eight percent of us feel more compassion for others than for ourselves,” says Chris Germer, Ph.D., a founder of the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion and a lecturer at Harvard Medical School. Even a small shift in this mindset represents an opportunity to lift your well-being in such far-ranging ways.
How, exactly? Here's what self-compassion is, plus how to start practicing it on the regular.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Practicing self-compassion means having sensitivity toward your own suffering, along with a deep wish to alleviate that suffering. Self-compassion shows up not just as tenderness and nurturing. It can also be strong and protective, like a mama-bear instinct.
“Applied inward, that fierce, energized self-compassion can motivate us to stand up for our own justice and equality,” says Kristin Neff, Ph.D., the author of the new book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive (Buy It, $23, amazon.com). “Women aren’t allowed to be angry in our society, but anger can be a positive and transformative emotion — just look at our recent social justice movements.”
The science on self-compassion is truly compelling, with thousands of studies pointing to its perks. When you allow yourself some wiggle room — maybe you didn’t stick to your running routine or you missed a work deadline, but that’s okay because you’re human — you create a sense of value that is intrinsic and isn’t tied to the external and sometimes fickle barometers you often look to for self-esteem: your appearance, how you performed on a test or a job task, how society judges you, says Germer. Self-compassion is unconditional self-love, especially when things go wrong in your life. It reinforces the idea that acceptance and kindness is the goal, not perfection and performance.
To those who think the practice could somehow make you more complacent and self-centered, research finds the opposite is true. People who rate high on self-compassion are actually more motivated to self-improve after a failure (whether it’s a botched test or a personal transgression), according to research from the University of California, Berkeley. Those who practice self-compassion are also more likely to be concerned for others and be cooperative, Neff’s research finds. And people who score high on self-compassion are more likely to take good care of themselves: A 2019 review in the Journal of Health Psychology found that self-compassion practitioners were more apt to quit smoking, rein in overeating, get adequate sleep, seek out social support when they needed it, and engage in physical activity. That’s not to mention what it can do for combating stress, boosting your mood and self-image, alleviating pain, and building resilience. Simply put, self-compassion is one of the easiest and most potent ways to feel happier and be healthier.
Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive
Up: How Positive Outlook Can Transform Our Health and Aging
How to Practice Self-Compassion
For many folks who are used to treating themselves with tough love, the way to mental TLC can seem elusive. But you're well served to switch tactics: "Research shows it's easier to meet your goals when you encourage yourself from a place of kindness," says Germer.
First, try this mini self-compassion break whenever you begin beating yourself up about something: Close your eyes and think of the situation that’s causing you stress (work issues, a toxic friendship). Then ask yourself where you feel it most in your body. Focus and say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” Acknowledging discomfort is the first step, says Germer.
Next, tell yourself, "I'm not alone." The idea is to connect with at least one other person in similar circumstances. Finally, put your hands over your heart and say, "May I be kind to myself. May I give myself what I need." To find those sentiments, imagine that a loved one is having the same problem. "What would you say to this person, heart to heart? Offer yourself that message," says Germer. (
Why Self-Compassion Exercises Work
That five-minute drill is so effective as a mental reset, says Neff, because it incorporates the three pillars of self-compassion: mindfulness, a sense of common humanity, and kindness that’s directed inward. “To experience the benefits of self-compassion, you need those three key aspects,” she says.
Practicing mindfulness by tuning in to how you’re feeling enables you to identify the simple fact that you may be hurting. “This isn’t natural for many of us, since our first instinct is to avoid pain or move quickly into fix-it mode, instead of sitting with the suffering,” says Germer. “You can’t move past something you don’t acknowledge in the first place.” If you’re demoralized after being passed over for a promotion, validate that feeling. Don’t push it away by devaluing it (“I shouldn’t be so upset by my boss’s decision”) or judging it (“I’m acting petty”). It’s about finding that sweet spot between ignoring it and getting carried away by it.
Tying your experience to a sense of common humanity helps you understand that there’s nothing wrong with feeling embarrassed or angry and that it’s part of the human experience. “It reminds us that we’re interconnected, and it helps us feel less isolated,” Neff says. This step also helps us from getting stuck in a “woe is me” spiral. When you ruminate on the negative, you’re essentially holding yourself hostage in a stressful scenario and a bad mood and refusing yourself the stress relief, productive processing, and mood boost that self-compassion delivers.
The last piece of the puzzle is being able to show yourself kindness. “One of our most basic needs as humans is love. We often look to others for that, but we should give that to ourselves in an acknowledgment that we’re as important as any other person,” says Germer. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? If you’re drawing a blank, break it down: What do I need to feel better physically (a warm bath, tea)? What do I need to feel better emotionally (a good cry, a cuddle with my cat)? What do I need to validate my pain (journaling, calling a friend)? What do I need to protect myself (saying no to someone, setting a boundary)? What do I need to hear to motivate myself?
Chris Germer, Ph.D.
"We often look to others for love, but we should give that to ourselves in an acknowledgment that we're as important as any other person."
Having a feel-good mantra can help with that final bit: Research in the 2014 Annual Review of Psychology found that positive affirmations can motivate us to change our behaviors so that we enjoy better education, health, and relationship outcomes. “Positive self-talk, even if it doesn’t provide an immediate result of brimming self-confidence, allows you to be open to the possibility that something can work out well, and that the next time, you can do things differently,” says Dr. Tindle. (
Repeat after this: You've got this.
